- Father God, I’ve got some questions. And just so You know, things are rather foggy down here at the ole ranchola.
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Oh, Lord, what is it? What is this inside of me?
So much, I dare say. There is so much that I want to say (& do) that I feel if I write all day long, I’ll not even scratch the tip of it all.
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Is that part of the yearning?
The yearning we have when we want something more, because there is always something more. I reckon it has something to do with the void that we will always have this side of heavens door.
Some want more money, a bigger house, a shiny car, or an updated kitchen; some want a new job, a promotion, a raise; some want recognition, applause, accolades; some want excitement, more fun, a challenge; some want leaner legs, a ripped abdominal wall, less wrinkles, no gray.
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Me? What’s rollicking just beneath my surface?
God, since You already know, why do You want me to figure it out too? Oh, I know, because a traveler without a destination is a rambler, a gypsy, a mere wanderer. You want me to know where I am going. You want me to be certain from where I came. And You want me to tap into my heart’s desires.
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Why?
Oh, because You knit me together before anyone down here on earth even knew what was happening. Before my momma’s belly rounded outward and before anyone laid a gentle hand to feel my kicks; You already knew me as Your daughter. You knew my days, my ways, my wants, my needs, and my desires – before I even gulped my first breath of air.
Okay, I’ve got that part. I know the lineage from where I came: I am a daughter of the King of kings. I am a child of the Creator of the universe. I am an heir to the throne of heaven. I am a descendent of the Almighty. I am precious and beautiful and worthy and forgiven and redeemed and sanctified. I am set aside as a princess of the Most High.
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But what of these desires?
I don’t float with the name-it-n-claim-it crowd. Oh, okay, I’ll tell You, but it is kinda embarrassing because I don’t rightly know how these things fit into Your plan for me.
Why yes, I often wonder what Your plan is for me. And I admit it, I worry too, I worry that I don’t know it, see it, understand it, do it… I know, I know, worry is a sin.
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Sorry. Forgive me?
Well, of course you do. Jesus died to make it so. And yes, I reckon I am doing the best I can with what I have and what I know and who I am. And yes, I think there’s always room for improvement, for refining, for sharpening.
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Okay, let’s get back to the whole plan issue, shall we?
Oh, I see. I oftentimes distract myself with wondering about Your plan and I let my heart’s desires slip away, almost undetected. You are right, I felt the fluttering and instead of gently grasping it beneath the wings, I pushed it out the window.
No, I don’t know what happens to it once I give it the ole heave-ho. Oh, okay, I do know. I admit it. I merely shut the window and tried to forget about it. All right, I didn’t forget, but I tried to.
Yes, I know I am talking circles here.
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You wanna read my list?
Alrighty then, here are my wants; I’ll just do a list without explanations (okay, okay, it’s without condemnations too):
- I want to finish one of these multiple books I’ve started. Yes, and get it published.
- I want to know if I can connect with anyone’s heart strings, I want to know if tap anyone’s funny bone, I want to know if anyone agrees or disagrees or feels the same way as me.
- I want to pick a few images that I have captured with my camera and enlarge them to poster size. And hang them on my wall.
- I want others to see Your amazing beauty, both on their own and through pictures I take.
- I want others to know of Your forevermore, better-than-fairytale sorta love.
- I want to sew aprons out of bandanas.
- I want to trade our clothes drier in on fridge – cause You know, we only have a dorm sized fridge and I really have no need for a drier, what with the racks & wood cookstove in the winter and outdoor lines in the summer.
- I want to percolate coffee every day on the wood cookstove.
- I want to make yogurt and sourdough bread every day too.
- I want to let go of the tension I’ve held in my shoulders ever since high school.
- I want to slip back in time and live at the turn of the century, where the lifestyle I love is the norm.
- I want to hold a baby and fall asleep after he has.
- I want to dance with my husband, a two-step ‘round the dance floor, or the living room floor.
- I want to read funny books with my son as we cuddle on the couch and drink cocoa.
- I want to teeter and splash on a hot inner tube in the middle of a lake.
- I want to swim underwater with my eyes open.
- I want to encourage others to be all that God created them to be.
- I want to live in seclusion, but I want to be around people too; I want to love with an all-encompassing inclusion.
- I want to laugh till I dang near wet my pants.
- And I want to have no fear… of failing, of falling, of bawling, of breaking, of shaking, of cracking, of splashing, of flying, of ripping, of crying, of trying.
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So, there You have it. Now that You know (well, You already knew, but now that You know that I know), whatcha gonna do about it?
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Me? What am I gonna do about it? Are You kidding me?
Oh, that last line in my list, the one about fear. Yeah, You are not the author of fear. Where You exist, there is only love. Love conquers fear. Love is way bigger than fear. You are way bigger than fear.
Really, it’s okay if I fail, fall, or bawl?
If I break, shake, crack or splash, You’ll help me mend?
And if I fly or rip or cry, You’ll be there, right by my side?
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But what about… ?
Oh, I see. Yep, yes Sir, I’ve just gotta trust, try, and do. And recognize that the results are up to You.
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What’s that? You can see right through my desire-riddled heart and grant me all that I need.
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“I want to know if I can connect with anyone’s heart strings, I want to know if tap anyone’s funny bone, I want to know if anyone agrees or disagrees or feels the same way as me.” May as well cross this one off your list, my dear. The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
As for the others, like you said, may as well say ‘em out loud, cause He knows them anyway. And, it makes no sense for Him not to respond to your desire to use your gifts (which He gave you) to honor Him. So I’m guessing you’re gonna check a lot more of these off your list as well. And maybe you’ll wet your pants laughing about the crazy way some of them came to be.
Miss Nancy,
Thanks for reading through this diatribe. I wasn’t sure anyone would come along and finish it.
(I don’t count those auto-generated photo nincompoops that “like” my post 2 seconds after I publish it. Really, come on, who are they kidding?)
Okay, okay, miss Nancy, I also said “dang near wet my pants.”
Blessings.
Interesting conversation! Like Nancy said, I think you’ll be crossing quite a few of those off of your list.
Funny how we sometimes think He can’t hear our inner heart. Thanks for the reminder.
You are stirring up old and deep aches with this post. Too much for me to handle right now. I’ll have to come back and read it all slowly, when I can handle it. :}
OK, this is what I wanted to come back to tell you. (I’m full of long excerpts today.) All quotes below are from my favorite (nonfiction) book and the one which ministers to me most deeply.
From The Homesick Heart, by Jean Fleming:
p.116 Satisfied and hungry still. This jarring paradox is the bridge
that spans the expanse between here and eternity . . . and Home. It
is the cable among the intricate tangle of webs defining life on
earth. This is the rope strung from the house to the barn to get us
safely through the blizzard. It is both a paradox and a model for the
Homeward-bound heart.
p.120 I’m a pilgrim, too, of sorts, a homesick wanderer who yearns to
nest in the bosom of God, undisturbed and undistracted. I yearn
because on earth I face distraction within as well as without.
Although every glimmer of Heaven perceived starts some small fire in
me, I am, unfortunately, almost always a person of little fires. This
world oppressively snuffs out patches of infant heat before they get
half a start. The faint smell of smoke reaches me, but I have already
turned to something else. Sometimes the scent is more of an
irritation than a reminder, because I cannot remember its source.
p.124 Our longings, those workhorses, those servants of God, faithful
and incessant, come for a purpose. They buck and heave, whinny and
snort, as they harrow our hearts. They endow and enlarge the soul to
desire and receive God. Their muscles bunch and strain as they keep
us moving toward Home. Longings with big feet and a noble vocation
stir up fluttering birds to seek a homey spot to set up housekeeping.
Like birds in the spring, the believing heart has a nesting instinct
inspired by longing.
Love the Photo, “Princess”… and lots of good and intense thinking, seeking the will and guidance of your [our] Lord.
Did you know that Monica send me that book she’s quoting from up there after I posted on a similar yearning? It’s a good one. Yes, yes, this yearning…for our real home, isn’t it? And I agree with Nancy and Susan because you always pull my heartstrings and make me smile.
* Thank you all for your kind words on this post — sometimes I splay myself open and I appreciate the tender touch of friends who share a kinship in my confusion &/or offer balm for the broken bits of me.
Blessings.
I love how the list goes from the really wide heart longings to the simple home fires (not that that makes them less important!). Having just made yogurt yesterday, that resonated with me today
Amy