I Accept

A Story

branches wave
in wayward winds

leaves cling
while others


on His ground

Yesterday I reckoned that today’s mood and post would be somber and sad and drenched with tears. This anniversary of the very center of October marks a very bittersweet day…

November 17, 2008: [son’s birthday] phone call to my husband’s cell phone that  an official announcement would be made in the morning regarding the 330 jobs to be cut at the small-town pulp & paper mill where my husband is an environmental manager

(less than 1 week later), 2008: got a nighttime phone call offering a job at a different mill –had 12 hours to decide; decided “yes”

December 28, 2008: husband drove away from our house with a sleeping bag, blankets, toothbrush, towels, clothes, a chair from Ikea, boxes of food, a drawing from his son, and shards of his wife’s heart; the power was out, the snow was up to my waist and the lowlands were flooding–before he left I gritted my teeth and asked if he was really leaving–he said, “Yes. You are tough.” Okay.

12/08-10/09: me and the kiddo and our horses, dogs, cat and chickens stayed home and saw daddy only on some weekends; wonderful neighbors stepped in and filled giant voids; grew closer to our place at the end of the road, while always praying for the right person to come and buy it so our family could be together again

October 15, 2009: after 3 crazy weeks of getting ready to move and trying to find a place that would rent to our menagerie, we left all that we knew and loved; we left the ground soaked with our blood, sweat, sweat, sweat, and tears, we left our beloved dog buried under the apple tree, we left our hearts in Oregon at the end of a country lane

November 17, 2009; [son’s birthday] (exactly one year from the first announcement of job losses) our very unscrupulous buyers pulled out of the purchase of our home, the sale fell through; what do we do? The rental was a cat-pee nightmare and the property was fit for mountain goats, not horses. We decided to stay with our man, the daddy, the husband.

December 15, 2009: the house we were buying over here turned out to be another sale fraught with unscrupulous characters and we pulled out of the sale due to some ginormous undisclosed facts that were discovered in the title report-uh, no, we don’t want a windmill farm in our literal backyard.

January 9, 2010: [my birthday] begged my husband to look at a different rental; loved it, loved it, loved it; cranky cat-pee landlady would not let us out of our lease and would not reimburse us for our time and effort and money that it took to make the shed usable, the pasture fenced and the house livable (another dirty, rotten person–what’s up with that?); decided to pay rent on two places for a couple of months, all while maintaining home in Oregon; wondered what cat food tastes like, already know what ramen noodles taste like

February 1, 2010: moved into new place–gotta read about that here…suffice it to say that we were not alone when we moved in!

mid-summer 2010: house in Oregon sold; dropped the price some $50k dollars (ouch!)

October 15, 2010: anniversary of the move; this evening we are going to look at a place to buy just behind this one, but already know it costs twice as much as we want to pay and know we won’t buy it; husband and kiddo and one dog are getting firewood in the mountains behind our place; chocolate cupcakes with marshmallows crammed inside are cooling for son’s soccer teammates as their final game is tomorrow; old-lady dog is here, beside me; the sun is shining, the horses  resting, the laundry is awaiting my folding hands, and my heart is doing okay. 

We have a church family here. We have seen my mom more times in the last year than we saw her in the last 10 years. I go to meet with the very small town elementary school’s principal/superintendent/teacher to 27 students in a few hours to see how our family can help out. I miss my friends back in Oregon so much. So much. I miss our place almost as much. I miss. I miss. I miss.

Husband’s job here is not certain, well, whose is? The mill is making it, barely. We think about moving. To Africa. To Australia. To another state in America. 

We think about roots and how we yearn for them. 

We think about one another and how we are so blessed to have us. To have each other.

If I don’t keep falling to my knees and raising a tear-stained face to God, I will miss it. I will miss it all…all the blessings He has lovingly handed me and my family during this whole relocation saga that started nearly two years ago.

Although I thought today would be wet with tears, I did my crying late last night as my fellas slept–and honestly, only a few tears trickled as I remembered the sadness and uncertainty of one year ago. We left all we knew and traveled caravan-style (mamma in car with son, a grandma, 2 dogs, and some food, followed by a grandpa and a rig and trailer crammed with stuff and a spare car, followed by husband driving a truck (with a yowling barn cat caged on the floor) and pulling a horse-trailer with 2 (of 4 total horses) across Oregon and Washington…all of us heading into the wild blue yonder.

But today? Today I look at all we have, although it is new and different and not quite what or where we thought it would be, it is the gift God has given, sharp edges and all.

I take it. 
I accept it. 
I am thankful for it.

* I thought the oven was OFF when I closed the oven door about an hour ago, to write the rest of this post. I was gonna let the marshmallows melt. The gluten-free, chocolate, sort of healthy cupcakes, managed to shrink into hockey pucks. Really, they didn’t burn…Yeehaw!

Things are normal.

I have to create another snack.


7 thoughts on “I Accept”

  1. You are tough and tender. A fighter and a friend. You will get thru anything and glorify God in the process.

  2. so much gift when we truly "see"that photo caused an extra little inhale when I saw it … I wish the right word would come to describe its impact …

  3. Gluten free hockey pucks…hmmmm, may have to try that. 😉 I continue to pray for your heart and am thankful that it has found some peace and community, in the area you have been placed for now. Blessings and love, my friend!

  4. Girl, your pain is growing words that grow gardens in us. Your picture for your header, the lady bugs, um, I'm with Susan, I felt some sort of strong hope as I absorbed it. It would be so cool to be that post they are resting on. They make it beautiful. Sending love and hugs.

  5. I'm so glad He is simplicity in the midst of the complicated, our Center in the midst of chaos, and our Hope in the midst of uncertainty.So the hockey pucks were edible?

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