I Ain’t No Proper Church Lady

4 comments
A Story, For Fun, HisStory, Love God Love People

I was privileged to write for a website called All The Church Ladies back in 2011. If you happen to peruse old Thursday posts you’ll likely find teasers to pieces I posted there but the links won’t work because the site has been dismantled. Every now and again I will print those pieces in their entirety right here ’cause I’m nice like that; plus, I don’t want ya to miss anything.

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And land sakes, I recently learned that some folks I know in real life read my blog (GASP!) so I reckon it would be best for everyone involved if they got a full dose of Darlene instead of Sunday Smiley Bits-n-Pieces. And what better way to do this than with one of my feisty favorites? I don’t know, maybe this is a bad idea and I should maybe ease them into the waters of what is me. Then again, maybe not…

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“Darlene! I cannot believe what I just heard. I thought you were a proper church lady,” my pastor told one day last week via cell phone. I laughed aloud because I’ve been called a lot of things but “proper” ain’t never-ever been one of ‘em.

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Let me backtrack a bit and try to explain Pastor Joe’s reaction. I had called him up and asked a favor. “I need you and your wife to be here while I show the house to a potential buyer tomorrow. My husband cannot be here and if I answer the door with my pistol in my holster or my bat slung over my shoulder, I’ll likely frighten them away. But I am not inviting two men into my home without some sort of back-up or pastor on my side.”

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He gasped just a little bit and then said he and the missus would meet me here at… I didn’t catch the last part because just then I noticed a woman and a puppy on a string in my large front yard, all the way down the driveway, and next to the house. Folks, I live in the country and it takes some doing to walk your doggie down my driveway. I interrupted and asked Pastor Joe if he could hold on a second because someone was in my yard.

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I held the cell phone to my thigh and walked out onto the deck to get a better look, ya know, just be sure someone was not splayed out in my yard with a noticeable wound. I hollered, “Ma’am! Ma’am!” and she looked at me, but kept her dog in my grass.

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I hollered, “Ma’am, is there something I can help you with?!”

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She looked up at me like I had interrupted her leisurely stroll in the park and said, “No, I’m just waiting for the dog to do his thing.”

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To which I responded, “Ma’am if your dog poops in my yard, you are gonna have to take it with you.”

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She looked at me funny and Rufus started to squat. Thinking she misunderstood my comment, I hollered out one last time, “Ma’am, if that dog poops in my yard, you need to take the dog AND the poop when he is done! Hold on a second and I’ll get ya a plastic bag.”

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At this point, some sort of  synoptical connection must have successfully fired because as her eyeballs ’bout popped out of her head, she scooped her pooch under one arm and high-tailed it out of my yard. The last I saw her; she was heading for my lone neighbor’s yard up the hill.

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All at once I realized I still had a cell phone clamped to my thigh so I said, “Heya Pastor Joe. You still there?” That, ladies and gentlemen is when he voiced his astonishment at my non-proper, church lady demeanor. (But he was laughing so hard I could hardly make out his initial denouncing statement.)

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I stammered a bit and told him that with the husband gone, I have to deal with more than my share of equine manure, cat turds, dog poop, and that I didn’t really need one more shovelful of stink to handle. Thank you very much.

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“I didn’t know you had it in you, Darlene. I am in total shock. Total shock. First the pistol talk and now the pooping dog conversation. And all this time (18 months) of knowing you in church, I always thought you were so quiet and shy and proper,” he said.

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I laughed hard and told him that before I came to know the Lord some eight years prior, I thrived on confrontation, I was a literal fighter (throw off the gloves and bloody yer nose), and a bit of a loud-mouth. But, ever since I asked Christ to be the Master of my life, I have set aside that old man and put on the new.

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I also told Pastor Joe that I did the 100% “proper” church lady bit for a couple of years and it nearly drowned me (not to mention entangle me in pantyhose—just kidding, you all couldn’t pay me to wear those things). I added that sometimes it’s hard for me to know when to let the real me outta the cage. I am guarded.

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And good golly, I don’t wanna scare of any fellow parishioners or friends-in-the-making.

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In hindsight I reckon my near “proper” self-smothering was because I was not being true to who God created me to be. Thankfully, the Good Lord took away most of my ugly parts and gave me, among other characteristics, things like love, grace, mercy, gentleness, patience, etc. But I’ve come to realize that He also endowed me with “feisty” and “tough” for a reason. Maybe even two.

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I think He gave me the latter so that I could survive in a dog-eat-dog sort of world where a wife’s husband is sometimes gone and the bad guys sometimes come disguised as potential house-buyers.

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So, if a “proper” church lady cannot pack a pistol, thump her bible, and holler at a woman ’bout her pooping pooch, then I reckon I ain’t no proper church lady after all.

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Just for the record, had that woman and her dog been lost or thirsty or lonely or injured, I would have given them food, water, conversation, and/or a touch of ointment. Along with a plastic bag, of course.   😉

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*Photo credit: taken by me at a rodeo demonstration of a horseback, Annie Oakley-esque gal.

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I recently wrote a series entitled A Christian Woman’s Stance on Firearms. If you haven’t read it yet, please see the links posted below. Times are hard on Believers right now, and if you are a pro-Second Amendment sorta gal or fella, you may also get some backlash from the opposition. That opposition may be family, friends, or someone sitting next to you on the church pew. Through all of the heated debate and discussion, I reckon we need to always treat one another, even in areas of disagreement, with respect. Thank you kindly and have a blessed day.

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Here are links to the series:

1. A Christian Woman’s Stance on Firearms (Part 1: Inanimate Objects)

2. A Christian Woman’s Stance on Firearms (Part 2: The Morality of Self-Defense)

3. A Christian Woman’s Stance on Firearms(Part 3: Is Gun-Free Where Ya Wanna Be?)

4. A Christian Woman’s Stance on Firearms(Part 3: An Open Letter to My Legislators)

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4 thoughts on “I Ain’t No Proper Church Lady”

  1. I love that story, and you know, I did miss it the first time around. Thanks for sharing.

    I’m just glad you used “poop” — you know what I’m saying?

    • Miss Harriett –

      I know what you are(n’t) saying! If I said it, my momma would come wash my mouth out with soap. I think I’ve still got some stuck in my teeth from the last scraping some years ago.

      As always, it’s good to see ya hereabouts.

      Blessings.

  2. You are such a good writer. I enjoyed this post a lot. This is my first visit to your blog and I will definitely be looking around at other posts. God Bless!

    • Thank you, ma’am – for visiting, reading, and commenting.

      I always wonder how new folks find the likes of me… anyway, it’s good to met ya!

      Blessings.

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