Simple Woman – Common Sense (& Lawmaker Letter)

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A Story, For Fun, One Nation Under God

Wow, it’s like a big ole fork just passed clean through the 2nd Amendment to poke us in our collective firearm bumm-diddlies, right there on the Feinstein (D.-Calif.) Senate floor. Of course you already know my stance on firearms. (if’n ya don’t, please go here)

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Anyway, all of this is ’bout enough to drive me to office. Really. Although I’m certain I wouldn’t fit in, I told a friend today that I’m thinking about runnin’ for office. Wonder what they’ll think of my expenditure on duct tape and bailing twine? You know, the countrified common sense way to fix things. In all of my angst today, I’ve written a facetious letter, to my lawmakers.(In addition to the real one I faxed a couple weeks ago.).

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Dearest Lawmakers,

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I’m sendin’ you a filled prescription for common sense. It should arrive the same day as this letter.

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Upon receipt of the bottle, no, wait that’s not gonna be large enough – I’m gonna send a jug, upon the receipt of the jug, pop off the cork and consume the entire contents. Swig it. Don’t bother swirling it, checking the aroma, sniffing at the bouquet, and all that fancy-pants stuff, just tilt yer head back and let ‘er slide down the gullet. It’s fine and dandy if some dribbles down the chin or drips onto the shirt. It don’t hardly stain. Pinky promise.

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Go on and gulp it all. Now be like a good kiddo and lick the stuff off of your lips.

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It is my sincerest hope that the common sense you’ve just consumed  will be enough to saturate clean through the blood-brain barrier. Yep, yep, you got that right, sir & ma’am, head nod and hat-tip to ya, your brain will be impacted. For the good. For the better. For the good people you serve.

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Oh, pardon me, how rude. I forgot to introduce my countrified self. It ain’t real fittin’ for me to ask you to drink from the same jug as me without telling ya who I am. Oh, I know, you don’t much fancy lengthy diatribes so I’ll do my very best to keep this short and sweet. (Oh hey, I’m short. And sometimes sweet. Mostly sarcastic though.) Okay, back to the introduction. Whilst the common sense infiltrates your cranial spark plugs and whatnots and so forths, read on…

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Simply Darlene is:

  • A country girl.
  • Kin to folks who shed blood and died for America’s freedoms.
  • A daughter (to a hard-workin’ momma, who, by the way, is trying to figure out what else to cut from her budget because you all just took $88 bucks a month away from her. No foolin’ – last week she ate rice for every meal. This week she said she’s gonna eat the beans. She cannot afford to eat them together anymore. Where did you eat lunch today anyway? Did I foot the bill?)

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Simply Darlene is:

  • A wife.
  • A momma.
  • A sister.
  • A law-abiding citizen (My bad, I did get a moving violation one time in college. I had to eat dog food for the next 2 months so I could afford to pay it off though. Other than that, I’ve been good. And hey, I’ve been fingerprinted so I could obtain my teaching degree, my substitute teaching licenses, and other assorted permits so many times that I carry my own ink blotter; all that aside, I want you to know that I follow the laws. Oh yeah, I also follow God’s laws because ain’t nobody come and took the 10 Commandments outta my house.)

 

Simply Darlene is:

  • A hard worker. (What about this, have you ever worked at a fast food restaurant, washed someone else’s dishes, or better yet, scrubbed the gunk outta someone else’s toilets in order to earn a paycheck?) 
  • From a long line of farmers, ranchers, and good ole boys/girls. (Have you ever chopped firewood or split kindling in order to heat your home? Grown your own food? Ground your own grain? Baked your own bread?)
  • Out of debt. None. Zero. Zip. (Say, speaking of debt, do you want me to balance that big ole checkbook you all’ve been wrangling? I’ve done a pretty good job with mine.)

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Simply Darlene is wondering:

  • If you are thankful for the grit, determination, and general smarts of our country’s founding fathers?
  • If you read the Constitution at least once a week? A month? A term? (You have read it at least one time, right?)
  • If you start the day with America’s Pledge of Allegiance? And/or on your knees in prayer?

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Oh, how ya doin’ with that common sense? Feeling a bit light-headed, are ya? Well, go on and eat that Ding-Dong I see sticking outta your briefcase… to raise your blood sugar, yah, right. Feeling better now? Good. That probably was a slight wave of humility you just felt. Be careful ’cause it’s likely to happen again.

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What’s that? You’re feeling different now. You wanna drive a pick-up with big mud flaps, you wanna bring home the bacon & fry it up in the pan, you wanna go out to the back 40 and plink some tin cans, you wanna pack heat to protect yourself from bad guys, you wanna go to a rodeo, you wanna dig fence post holes, you wanna plant seeds in the ground, you wanna tuck your kids into bed at night, you wanna spend less money than you make, you wanna make your handshake worth what it was to your great-grandpa, you wanna two-step at the grange hall with your sweetheart next Saturday night, you wanna talk nice, you wanna play fair, you wanna eat beans straight out of a can, you wanna bring your sick neighbor a pot of soup and loaf of bread, you wanna do what is just – right – honorable, you wanna listen to your friends, you wanna give credit where credit is due, you wanna serve those who hired you, and you wanna earn their respect.

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Alrighty then, welcome to my world. My name is Simply Darlene and I hail from the Land O’ Countrified Common Sense.

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Yep, yep, yes sir, yes ma’am, that’s exactly where I got that jug o’ juice that you gulped a few minutes ago. No, I’m not a figment of your imagination; I’ve been standing here the whole time. Pinky Promise.

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Indeed. Yes, indeed, I brought more. They’re out back in the horse trailer.

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What’s that ya say? Yep, I brung enough to pass around to your cronies in these here marble halls. I reckon I can help  you pass ’em out.

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You are gonna have to get off your keister so we can get ‘er done.

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Sincerely,

Simply Darlene

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P.S. If you all feel like eatin’ Moon Pies and howling at the moon, that’s good. But, if’n you find that this dose of common sense wears off and you resort back to your old ways, some of me and my simple country folks might run for office. And wouldn’t that be a hoot -n- half if we done gone and took up residence next door to ya?! Yeeehhhaaaww! Or maybe one of us will have your office and you’ll be slinging hash down at the diner. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Lotsa good folks do that.

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Folks, our 2nd Amendment rights are hanging there by a near-shredded patriotic thread. If you already spoke up and called your lawmakers out on this proposed weapons ban, thank ya kindly. If you haven’t, today is the day to do it.

3flags quotes

If you want some more information on the Senator Feinstein hullabaloo, go to these places:

* Military Arms Channel: Assault Weapons Ban 2013

It is a great video clip with important information. Please don’t be naive and think that this proposed weapons ban doesn’t impact you because your firearm isn’t on the current list. Oh, boys and girls, it does. It does. Watch that video I linked above. He does a terrifical job and pointing out how the common man and/or woman would be impacted.

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* NRA-ILA (National Rifle Association – Institute for Legislative Action)

They’ve got a good recap of the current firearm nonsense, err, I mean proposed weapons ban...

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* Let your voice be heard.

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